The Unfathomable Cosmos of Love

          I have fallen in love too many times but when I am in love, it’s always fictional. That’s one of the unfortunate fates of being a bookworm, you fall in love with the characters and then you realize that you’ll never find that kind of person and what I mean by never is, never in your wildest dreams. My first love is Pudge whose pain from Alaska is unbearable then I have Colin Singleton who is too smart for me. I have also fallen in love with Peeta Mellark but most of them all, I have fallen in love with Augustus Waters but this is not about me falling in love with a fictional character. It’s about how I found my Augustus Waters behind the unfathomable cosmos of love.

                What are the unfathomable cosmos of love for me by the way and does it even exist? For me it does exist. Cosmos, by definition is the universe seen as a well-ordered whole. For me, the cosmos symbolizes the wide range of stars and those stars remind me of thoughts that could not be fathomed as one (Thanks John Green for this wonderful thought). Love has a very wide range of opinions, definitions and descriptions. No one ever knew what its exact point is and I never understood it myself either. Love is a cosmos. It’s seen by the people as a well-ordered whole but people never see its real beauty. Just like a cosmos, the people see it as wonderful scenery of flashing lights as a whole intended to mesmerize our eyes but it is never seen by people as tiny speck of star that is intended to leave a spark in your life and that is how I see love.

                So let’s go back to the Augustus Waters thing. I never really felt butterflies in my stomach or anything that they say that you would feel when you’re in love. That’s the mistake of every person in love. They depend on the world’s description of love and how to know that you’re in love. They don’t depend on the real thing that they really feel. The people kept imagining their future with the people they love and they kept admiring its beauty even if they aren’t yet seeing it. That’s what every people who wanted to fall do, looking at what they could be rather than appreciating what they are. It’s like imagining the whole galaxy without even thinking of one star.  That’s not being in love. It’s being trapped in an infatuated dream and love should not feel that way. You should not me trapped, you should be living it.

                That’s the very reason I fell in love with Augustus Waters. With every word he says, with every metaphor he makes, he made me realize what love should be. It should not be about how the world defines it; it’s about how you define it yourself. Love is coming out from you and only you. Not from the people’s heart, but your heart and that is how I knew I was in love. Augustus Waters didn’t tell me how to be in love nor didn’t the person who I am in love with teach me to. I felt it myself. I knew it to myself. I realized that I was in love with a speck of star that left a spark in my heart filled with metaphors and such.

And how did I know I was?

                It was the day when that person started making jokes that he has feelings for me. That was day when everything for me felt knew. I was always sleeping early at those times and I was always waking up late but when that person started his jokes, I was never like that again. I always wait for the time that he wants to sleep so I could sleep to and I even woke up as early as I can just to see  if he sent me a good morning message. Right then, it was just a joke for me and I felt that way. It was the time when he became serious to me when I felt it inside me. The way that I always dream of him at night made me realize the happiness that I feel whenever I talk to him and not just that, I don’t care if the world ignored me for the day but sadness comes to me when he’s out of reach but he’s never out of reach, he was always there and still I feel sad if I missed a second without him.

                Then the time came when he confessed his feelings. On that time, I felt like my heart will come out of my body. My brain burst into kaleidoscope of thoughts filled with astonishment. I just stared at the wind for a moment and imagined what we could be but just like the wind that thought faded. I realized why I was in shock. He left a spark on me, a spark that soon ignited into flames of fulfillment. I saw the stars with me and I put it in my hands and I realized the happiness that I felt. Indeed, I was in love.

                Whenever I am with him, I felt the third space. The third space is the place we’re we are when we’re together as if the world’s not with us. I don’t care about the world. I just want to feel the moments that I am with him and I don’t want to lose those moments. I just want to keep steady with him. On the first time that we held each other’s hands, I felt the electric current that run through us, the spark.  I never felt that way in my life, just as when I am with him.

                That spark that he has given me, that speck of star that he let me feel took me into the beauty of love’s cosmos. It brought me into a wide range of feelings that made me live the infatuated dream. I have made my way in being mesmerized by the beauty of love with those sparks. Those sparks one by one created a wonderful light that is now with me. It created a galaxy full of stars. It made me feel the real feeling of love; a love that is not bounded by the world’s definition. It is a love that fathomed its entire unfathomable cosmos.  That’s how I define love and how I see, feel and leave it. 

A Movie Guru’s Perception: BA:BO (Miracle of Giving Fool) and Seven Days

Source: Bubblews.com 

               Boredom is my only companion today and for the following days because we have a one week-off for our Semestrial Break. So for my first day, I decided to watch a movie that was recommended by our teacher, BA:BO. This movie is for people who are not that close to their siblings and for people who feel unappreciated but more likely; this movie is for those who feel that they don’t have that much to appreciate and their life, just freaking sucks for them. To be honest, it really made me cry. (It’s because of the emotional thingy) well, if you don’t like emotional movies that would make you cry and action, suspense etc. is your thing, then I also have another movie to recommend. It’s Seven Days. It’s also a Korean movie and it’s an action packed movie filled with mysteries. It’s an endless maze towards the safety of your child. But first, let’s go to a feels trip because of BA:BO.

                BA:BO (바보) is a 2008 South Korean film. Based on a popular webcomic, the film was directed by Kim Jeong-kwon, and stars Cha Tae-hyun and Ha Ji-won in the lead roles. Ji-ho is a promising pianist who has been studying and playing abroad for years, but her career takes a blow when she is struck with stage fright. Returning home, Ji-ho is reunited with her old school friend, Seung-ryong, who, although now in his twenties, has been left with the mind of a six year old following an accident. Seung-ryong's only family is his younger sister, Ji-in, and he takes care of her by trying to sell toast outside her school, much to her embarrassment. Ji-in later becomes ill, and Seung-ryong's other friend, Sang-soo, falls into trouble with some gangsters. With all of his friends and family facing problems, Seung-ryong becomes an unlikely saviour.

Source: whattmessgirl.wordpress.com

BA:BO was adapted from a popular webcomic of the same name created by Kang Full, which ran from January to April 2004. Director Kim Jeong-kwon, himself a fan of the comic, was approached directly by Kang, and described the film as being faithful to the source material. BA:BO was released in South Korea on February 28, 2008, and was ranked third at the box office on its opening weekend, grossing $2,302,058. By April 6 the film had grossed a total of $6,450,178, and as of March 23 the total number of tickets sold was 951,573 (Source: Wikipedia.com)

I was like crying the whole time when I was watching the movie. It has a light mood that would make you laugh and then suddenly it would fill you with awe. It created some impressions at me like we should never judge people by how the society sees them. We should be considerate to their situations and be approachable to them. Even if they are mentally-ill or they have mentally-ill siblings. Looking like a gangster and being treated as a tramp aren’t excuses too, we should not judge them by how we see them physically. We should learn to look further down their hearts so we could understand the story behind them.

Source: asianmoviereviews.wordpress.com

Another thing is we should not be stuck in our past. We should learn to forgive and forget about the unnecessary things that happened to us. I was really affected when Ji-ho has approached Seung-ryong despite what happened to them when they were younger. I hope there are still people like Ji-ho who didn’t became bitter because of one thing that people had done to her. Instead, she remembered one thing that helped her be better because of what that person did. And maybe more Seung-ryong could help our society, more people who are eager to take care of the people they love even if they are pushing them away. The number one value that I got in this story is appreciation.

Let’s now proceed to a movie that tackles about the risk of being a topnotch lawyer in your country and being a mother. This movie is for people who are seeking adventure and who like to solve cases by connecting investigations one by one. It’s a movie that would take you further down the world of crimes, I present you, Seven Days. Seven Days (Hangul: 세븐 데이즈) is a 2007 South Korean crime thriller film directed by Won Shin-yeon, starring Yunjin Kim and Park Hee-soon. The film had 2,107,849 admissions nationwide and was the 9th most-attended domestic film of 2007. In 2008, Kim won Best Actress at the Grand Bell Awards, and Park won Best Supporting Actor at the Blue Dragon Film Awards and Korean Film Awards.

Source: japancinema.net

Yoo Ji-yeon (Yunjin Kim) is a prominent lawyer, who has yet to lose a case. While Ji-yeon is taking part in a parents-only race at her daughter's field day, her daughter disappears. Later in the day, Ji-yeon receives a phone call from the man who abducted her daughter. The man makes it clear that he is not interested in her money. Rather, he tells her that the only way she will ever see her daughter again is to defend a five-time convicted felon who is appealing his conviction for rape and murder. Ji-yeon has only seven days before his trial ends. (Source: Wikipedia.com)

source: beyonghollywood.com

It’s really a thrill. My father and I watched for like three times because it was really awesome. Every scene would make you have sudden realizations and make you want to go back to prove your right. Kim Yunjin really deserves the Best Actress Award. Her aggressiveness as a prominent lawyer and her vulnerability when it comes to her daughter is really remarkable. The movie has tons of plot twists that would shock you. It’s really awesome. I am telling you.

So these two movies are on my list of my favorite Korean movies. In terms of affection and awesomeness, these two are exactly for it. Whenever you are bored, just watch BA:BO or Seven Days and surely, boredom would escape out of your senses. That’s it folks. Tell me if you like it or not. Good Day! 

P.S. I don't really understand why I chose cats to describe what I am feeling. Haha. (source: anarosaphotography.devianart.com)

Monday's Child

Monday's child is fair of face,

Tuesday's child is full of grace,

Wednesday's child is full of woe,

Thursday's child has far to go,

Friday's child is loving and giving,

Saturday's child works hard for a living,

But the child who is born on the Sabbath Day

Is bonny and blithe and good and gay

The Serendipity of Reading Books by John Green

There are some people who have been living their life trying to find their great perhaps or trying to figure out a way to escape the labyrinth. There are some people who have been living their life searching for someone who would give them a little infinity of happiness or a forever within numbered days. There are also people who kept finding a formula to understand what’s wrong with them and they even created a theorem to prove it. But I am different from these people. I am someone who’s looking for an abundance of my stars’ fault. 

Looking for Alaska, source: effyeahnerdfighters.com

In my fourteen years of my existence, I think that I am too imaginative of what will be my future and the things that are going on around me. I overthink about my thoughts and how to prove that I am right about it. I kept on trying to find a way to my great perhaps. I kept looking for the real me but all I do was seek for an escape out of my labyrinth. When I die, I want the people to remember my famous last words. These things are unexplainable, so unexplainable that for me, it doesn’t make sense anymore. 

The Fault in Our Stars, source: socitey9.com

At a very young age, I have awakened to the fact that I am a side effect of the earth’s oblivion and at the same time, I realized that I am no Hazel Lancaster to find the Augustus Waters of my life. There are people who have given me a little infinity of happiness and indeed it was little. There are people who have given me forever within numbered days except that they didn’t die, they only have set an expiration date to their feelings for me, I have cursed myself for having this fault in my starts but then, I have realize that some things are worth being the privilege of being hurt by it because it made me realize that the best things in life comes in the disguise of the worst things.

An Abundance of Katherines, source: flickr.com

And the last thing, I already had enough of the abundance of the out of the world cosmos of my imaginations. It’s so out of the worlds that even creating a theorem would not be enough to explain it. Even if I try to anagram the words in my life, it would not be enough. Maybe the unfortunate things in my life are already abundant for me but it makes sense though. This abundance made me learn and realize how to manage the things that I deserve and the things that I don’t deserve. It made me compute for the right amounts of pain and happiness in this world.

These are the things that I learned from John Green. These are the things that helped me see a clearer path to understanding myself and my can’t be understand thoughts. From Looking for Alaska, The Fault in Our Stars and to An Abundance of Katherines, I have known something. I have found a sudden realization of happiness out of these books and actually, I never expected to find this kind of feeling. That’s the serendipity I found on John Green’s books. Thank you, John Green.

Next stop, Paper Towns. 

Paper Towns, source: flickr.com 

A Person's Perception: The Oxymoron of Being Bestfriendzoned by the Person you Loved

              Being friendzoned, I mean bestfriendzoned by the person who you thought had the same feelings with you is the most freaking painful thing in the world. And when he or she tells you that he or she doesn’t have any feelings for you after all the things you had been through is too much to be agonized. One last thing, before he or she admitted that he or she does not have any feelings for you, he or she had been admiring another person and that person is one of your friends that you trusted most. It fucking hurts.

                I have been victimized by the can’t be untangled twist of faith. It’s not his fault, mostly it is. No, that’s wrong. It’s no one’s fault, it may be mine but no. Let’s not create conclusions about things especially when this post of mine is all about my feelings because this is my blog and this is my side so this is all about the things that I negatively and positively, by the power of metaphorical resonances that I want to say.  

                We’re currently in the month of October, year 2013^th.  Last year, October 19, 2012, I confessed one person that I was in love with him. I wasn’t in love with him because he was handsome and popular and sweet and whatsoever. It’s because he changed my perspective and that perspective changed me into a better person. I tried my best to be someone to him. I tried to let him understand how important he was to me. It worked until the last day of our sophomore years, I guess but I had read the stars so wrong.

                So I had accepted the fact that we would be nothing more than best friends. From the very start, I knew that. When we reached our junior level, we became close to each other, more likely, as best friends. To be honest, I still hoped that there was something like sparks between the two of us and I guess everyone believed we had everyone but him. I still created effort with all my might. I saved my allowance to prepare a gift for his birthday, chose him as my inspiration in writing articles for my journalism training and I let him read all the stories that I wrote which was actually for him. I even managed to have a picture with him every month so I could proudly post it on my twitter. I even met his father who was very kind to me. I don’t want to mention everything anymore but it’s really a myriad efforts.

                Then the fault in our stars happened. We were teasing each other to our classmates (we we’re not on the same class). It came to the point when I asked him what we were. He told me we were best friends. I told him that I misheard something. He told me WE WERE JUST BEST FRIENDS. FUCK? JUST BEST FRIENDS? ARE YOU SERIOUSLY FUCKING KIDDING ME? DO YOU KNOW HOW BIG THE WORD “JUST BEST FRIENDS” IS? OH SHIT. So I almost cried my eyes out the whole night. In the morning, I was faking my smile but I broke down when my best friend, Gwen asked me what happened.

                That night, he also promised to give me something on the following day. He did. He gave me a bracelet and a keychain. I got frustrated so I asked Gwen to ask him what it was for. And I thought the pain was over but I was wrong. It was not. He answered that it was a “FRIENDSHIP GIFT”. WHAT THE FUCK? FRIENDSHIP GIFT? ARE YOU REALLY THAT INSENSITIVE? REALLY? OH SHIT. So even though it was embarrassing, I couldn’t help myself but cry and I cried like for 3hours during our class and everyone noticed it. (Fact: When I am crying, my face turns red and what I mean by face is my whole face. My eyes, my nose, my cheeks, my forehead and also my neck.)

                So we talked and I realized something. It was alright to be best friends but on one condition, I want to know his feelings. I texted him and told that it was the only thing that would make things better. He didn’t reply for one whole day and I told that if he would not, I would punch him and he promised to reply. He told me, “Jann, wla (None)” I was about to cry but then, my tears stopped from flowing. I even cursed. I was like. GODDAMNED FEELINGS. FUCK THIS. WHAT THE HECK? THIS IS BULLSHIT. 1 YEAR, 13 MONTHS, 395 DAYS, 23700 HOURS, 1422000 MINUTES AND 85320000 SECONDS AND IT’S FUCKING NONE?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?! ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? By that time, I thought that I was already crying because it really hurt me. It was like being chopped into pieces and my dismembered body was burned into ashes and my ashes were thrown into the Pacific Ocean. Shit. That hurts right? But I. I didn’t cry. Not a single drop of tear fell from my eyes.

                So yes, it really does hurt from the start. I even thought that it would take like 10years for me to get over it, to get over being bestriendzoned and being fooled to assume but I realized to myself. I was just looking on the other side. That’s what I thought during the normal habit of humans who became intelligent at the midst of 1am and then sleep and forgets it anyways but I remembered it.  I took a glance on the other side.

                For me, we have our own responsibilities that we impart. He made me assume and it took long for him to be honest with what he really felt and it’s my fault that I fell to the trap and hoped for the worst thing and let the best things blind me.

                For me, he was someone who was very angelic and all. He was important and was very special to me. When my friends ask me how it feels to feel love from him, I would say that I am not even close of being worthy of his feelings. Then I realized something. It was not me who doesn’t deserve love from him. It was him who is not even close to being worthy of my feelings. I mean. I maybe full of imperfections and all but I did a lot of effort and I am not saying that it’s a thing that he owes me because I did a lot effort. It’s just that. I mean maybe he’s stupid because how often do you find a girl who was stuck in the labyrinth of her miseries but forgets all her miseries just to let the boy she loves see how he makes her happy. It’s simple. HE DIDN’T AND WOULD NEVER DESERVE MY FEELINGS.

                Or maybe he was not meant to be someone more than a best friend. He was meant to be my best friend but wait HOW COULD A BEST FRIEND MAKE HER BEST FRIEND CRY AND BREAK HER HEART? SERIOUSLY? Okay. So let’s go to the other side. Maybe he was a message that I should not trust anyone who would make me feel special. Someone told me that when someone breaks your heart, you would tend to be more attractive to make them look stupid of letting you go. So maybe, I will finally be beautiful. And he freed my heart. If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t be able to find someone who’s much better than him.

                Even though it really hurt, I also need to look on the brighter side. He had done so many good things to me and those things had created special memories. Those were the little things that were still worth of treasuring. I might shed a lot of tears recently but I would not exchange it for all the smiles that were shared. Of all the things that happened, maybe the 25 percent are the painful memories that happened to me these past few days but 75 percent of it is the lasting happiness that those memories made.

                So maybe the sweet memories as admirers would never occur again, there’s still more memoirs as best friends to be made. Maybe what happened were just challenges to toughen up our friendship. I am still young and I know there’s someone who would really deserve my feelings in the future. So I would not deny the pleasure of having him as my best friend. Our experience together before will be our stepping stone to be better instead of being bitter. So for that person, thank you.

                The number one thing that I learned is that everything is never good to be true because sometimes the best things in life might be the things that would hurt you and the worst things might just be a disguise to the things that would take you to your cloud nine.

(Meet my Best Friend)

"I don't love you like I loved you yesterday."-I don't Love You, My Chemical Romance

"I loved you forever, forever is over."-Love Drunk, Boys like Girls