The Unfathomable Cosmos of Love

          I have fallen in love too many times but when I am in love, it’s always fictional. That’s one of the unfortunate fates of being a bookworm, you fall in love with the characters and then you realize that you’ll never find that kind of person and what I mean by never is, never in your wildest dreams. My first love is Pudge whose pain from Alaska is unbearable then I have Colin Singleton who is too smart for me. I have also fallen in love with Peeta Mellark but most of them all, I have fallen in love with Augustus Waters but this is not about me falling in love with a fictional character. It’s about how I found my Augustus Waters behind the unfathomable cosmos of love.

                What are the unfathomable cosmos of love for me by the way and does it even exist? For me it does exist. Cosmos, by definition is the universe seen as a well-ordered whole. For me, the cosmos symbolizes the wide range of stars and those stars remind me of thoughts that could not be fathomed as one (Thanks John Green for this wonderful thought). Love has a very wide range of opinions, definitions and descriptions. No one ever knew what its exact point is and I never understood it myself either. Love is a cosmos. It’s seen by the people as a well-ordered whole but people never see its real beauty. Just like a cosmos, the people see it as wonderful scenery of flashing lights as a whole intended to mesmerize our eyes but it is never seen by people as tiny speck of star that is intended to leave a spark in your life and that is how I see love.

                So let’s go back to the Augustus Waters thing. I never really felt butterflies in my stomach or anything that they say that you would feel when you’re in love. That’s the mistake of every person in love. They depend on the world’s description of love and how to know that you’re in love. They don’t depend on the real thing that they really feel. The people kept imagining their future with the people they love and they kept admiring its beauty even if they aren’t yet seeing it. That’s what every people who wanted to fall do, looking at what they could be rather than appreciating what they are. It’s like imagining the whole galaxy without even thinking of one star.  That’s not being in love. It’s being trapped in an infatuated dream and love should not feel that way. You should not me trapped, you should be living it.

                That’s the very reason I fell in love with Augustus Waters. With every word he says, with every metaphor he makes, he made me realize what love should be. It should not be about how the world defines it; it’s about how you define it yourself. Love is coming out from you and only you. Not from the people’s heart, but your heart and that is how I knew I was in love. Augustus Waters didn’t tell me how to be in love nor didn’t the person who I am in love with teach me to. I felt it myself. I knew it to myself. I realized that I was in love with a speck of star that left a spark in my heart filled with metaphors and such.

And how did I know I was?

                It was the day when that person started making jokes that he has feelings for me. That was day when everything for me felt knew. I was always sleeping early at those times and I was always waking up late but when that person started his jokes, I was never like that again. I always wait for the time that he wants to sleep so I could sleep to and I even woke up as early as I can just to see  if he sent me a good morning message. Right then, it was just a joke for me and I felt that way. It was the time when he became serious to me when I felt it inside me. The way that I always dream of him at night made me realize the happiness that I feel whenever I talk to him and not just that, I don’t care if the world ignored me for the day but sadness comes to me when he’s out of reach but he’s never out of reach, he was always there and still I feel sad if I missed a second without him.

                Then the time came when he confessed his feelings. On that time, I felt like my heart will come out of my body. My brain burst into kaleidoscope of thoughts filled with astonishment. I just stared at the wind for a moment and imagined what we could be but just like the wind that thought faded. I realized why I was in shock. He left a spark on me, a spark that soon ignited into flames of fulfillment. I saw the stars with me and I put it in my hands and I realized the happiness that I felt. Indeed, I was in love.

                Whenever I am with him, I felt the third space. The third space is the place we’re we are when we’re together as if the world’s not with us. I don’t care about the world. I just want to feel the moments that I am with him and I don’t want to lose those moments. I just want to keep steady with him. On the first time that we held each other’s hands, I felt the electric current that run through us, the spark.  I never felt that way in my life, just as when I am with him.

                That spark that he has given me, that speck of star that he let me feel took me into the beauty of love’s cosmos. It brought me into a wide range of feelings that made me live the infatuated dream. I have made my way in being mesmerized by the beauty of love with those sparks. Those sparks one by one created a wonderful light that is now with me. It created a galaxy full of stars. It made me feel the real feeling of love; a love that is not bounded by the world’s definition. It is a love that fathomed its entire unfathomable cosmos.  That’s how I define love and how I see, feel and leave it.