Being friendzoned, I mean bestfriendzoned by the person who
you thought had the same feelings with you is the most freaking painful thing
in the world. And when he or she tells you that he or she doesn’t have any
feelings for you after all the things you had been through is too much to be
agonized. One last thing, before he or she admitted that he or she does not
have any feelings for you, he or she had been admiring another person and that
person is one of your friends that you trusted most. It fucking hurts.
I have
been victimized by the can’t be untangled twist of faith. It’s not his fault,
mostly it is. No, that’s wrong. It’s no one’s fault, it may be mine but no. Let’s
not create conclusions about things especially when this post of mine is all
about my feelings because this is my blog and this is my side so this is all
about the things that I negatively and positively, by the power of metaphorical
resonances that I want to say.
We’re currently
in the month of October, year 2013th. Last year, October 19, 2012, I confessed one
person that I was in love with him. I wasn’t in love with him because he was
handsome and popular and sweet and whatsoever. It’s because he changed my
perspective and that perspective changed me into a better person. I tried my
best to be someone to him. I tried to let him understand how important he was
to me. It worked until the last day of our sophomore years, I guess but I had
read the stars so wrong.
So I had
accepted the fact that we would be nothing more than best friends. From the
very start, I knew that. When we reached our junior level, we became close to
each other, more likely, as best friends. To be honest, I still hoped that
there was something like sparks between the two of us and I guess everyone
believed we had everyone but him. I still created effort with all my might. I saved
my allowance to prepare a gift for his birthday, chose him as my inspiration in
writing articles for my journalism training and I let him read all the stories that
I wrote which was actually for him. I even managed to have a picture with him
every month so I could proudly post it on my twitter. I even met his father who
was very kind to me. I don’t want to mention everything anymore but it’s really
a myriad efforts.
Then the fault in our stars
happened. We were teasing each other to our classmates (we we’re not on the
same class). It came to the point when I asked him what we were. He told me we
were best friends. I told him that I misheard something. He told me WE WERE
JUST BEST FRIENDS. FUCK? JUST BEST FRIENDS? ARE YOU SERIOUSLY FUCKING KIDDING
ME? DO YOU KNOW HOW BIG THE WORD “JUST BEST FRIENDS” IS? OH SHIT. So I almost
cried my eyes out the whole night. In the morning, I was faking my smile but I broke
down when my best friend, Gwen asked me what happened.
That night,
he also promised to give me something on the following day. He did. He gave me
a bracelet and a keychain. I got frustrated so I asked Gwen to ask him what it
was for. And I thought the pain was over but I was wrong. It was not. He
answered that it was a “FRIENDSHIP GIFT”. WHAT THE FUCK? FRIENDSHIP GIFT? ARE
YOU REALLY THAT INSENSITIVE? REALLY? OH SHIT. So even though it was
embarrassing, I couldn’t help myself but cry and I cried like for 3hours during
our class and everyone noticed it. (Fact: When I am crying, my face turns red
and what I mean by face is my whole face. My eyes, my nose, my cheeks, my forehead
and also my neck.)
So we
talked and I realized something. It was alright to be best friends but on one
condition, I want to know his feelings. I texted him and told that it was the
only thing that would make things better. He didn’t reply for one whole day and
I told that if he would not, I would punch him and he promised to reply. He told
me, “Jann, wla (None)” I was about to cry but then, my tears stopped from
flowing. I even cursed. I was like. GODDAMNED FEELINGS. FUCK THIS. WHAT THE
HECK? THIS IS BULLSHIT. 1 YEAR, 13 MONTHS, 395 DAYS, 23700 HOURS, 1422000
MINUTES AND 85320000 SECONDS AND IT’S FUCKING NONE?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?! ARE YOU
FREAKING KIDDING ME? By that time, I thought that I was already crying because
it really hurt me. It was like being chopped into pieces and my dismembered
body was burned into ashes and my ashes were thrown into the Pacific Ocean.
Shit. That hurts right? But I. I didn’t cry. Not a single drop of tear fell
from my eyes.
So yes,
it really does hurt from the start. I even thought that it would take like
10years for me to get over it, to get over being bestriendzoned and being
fooled to assume but I realized to myself. I was just looking on the other
side. That’s what I thought during the normal habit of humans who became
intelligent at the midst of 1am and then sleep and forgets it anyways but I remembered
it. I took a glance on the other side.
For me,
we have our own responsibilities that we impart. He made me assume and it took
long for him to be honest with what he really felt and it’s my fault that I fell
to the trap and hoped for the worst thing and let the best things blind me.
For me,
he was someone who was very angelic and all. He was important and was very
special to me. When my friends ask me how it feels to feel love from him, I would
say that I am not even close of being worthy of his feelings. Then I realized
something. It was not me who doesn’t deserve love from him. It was him who is
not even close to being worthy of my feelings. I mean. I maybe full of
imperfections and all but I did a lot of effort and I am not saying that it’s a
thing that he owes me because I did a lot effort. It’s just that. I mean maybe
he’s stupid because how often do you find a girl who was stuck in the labyrinth
of her miseries but forgets all her miseries just to let the boy she loves see
how he makes her happy. It’s simple. HE DIDN’T AND WOULD NEVER DESERVE MY
FEELINGS.
Or maybe
he was not meant to be someone more than a best friend. He was meant to be my
best friend but wait HOW COULD A BEST FRIEND MAKE HER BEST FRIEND CRY AND BREAK
HER HEART? SERIOUSLY? Okay. So let’s go to the other side. Maybe he was a
message that I should not trust anyone who would make me feel special. Someone told
me that when someone breaks your heart, you would tend to be more attractive to
make them look stupid of letting you go. So maybe, I will finally be beautiful.
And he freed my heart. If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t be able to find someone
who’s much better than him.
Even though
it really hurt, I also need to look on the brighter side. He had done so many
good things to me and those things had created special memories. Those were the
little things that were still worth of treasuring. I might shed a lot of tears recently
but I would not exchange it for all the smiles that were shared. Of all the
things that happened, maybe the 25 percent are the painful memories that
happened to me these past few days but 75 percent of it is the lasting
happiness that those memories made.
So maybe
the sweet memories as admirers would never occur again, there’s still more
memoirs as best friends to be made. Maybe what happened were just challenges to
toughen up our friendship. I am still young and I know there’s someone who would
really deserve my feelings in the future. So I would not deny the pleasure of
having him as my best friend. Our experience together before will be our
stepping stone to be better instead of being bitter. So for that person, thank
you.
The number
one thing that I learned is that everything is never good to be true because
sometimes the best things in life might be the things that would hurt you and
the worst things might just be a disguise to the things that would take you to
your cloud nine.
(Meet my Best Friend)
"I don't love you like I loved you yesterday."-I don't Love You, My Chemical Romance
"I loved you forever, forever is over."-Love Drunk, Boys like Girls
omg jann :(
ReplyDeleteWhy Yna? Haha. :)
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